This will most likely be my last post of the year. I hope 2016 brings you all prosperity and happiness. I mean that, whoever you are. Even you, Harold.
As for me, my laptop has been ignoring me lately. When I asked her what the problem was, she responded by accusing me of pushing her buttons and rebooting her at times for no reason. If this keeps up I may have to re-format her disk.
Have you seen Adele on the cover of Time Magazine? What is going on here? Adele is everywhere! It’s 2002 all over again, only slightly different. Now it is “Dude, you’re getting Adele.”
Can anyone tell me which one it is? Are we supposed to talk about Fight Club? Or are we NOT supposed to talk about Fight Club. I always get that mixed up.
Have you seen that show called “The Affair?” Fiona Apple does the opening theme song. It has a couple of sour notes, however.
Have you heard about the newest bubblegum chewed by Devil Worshippers? It is called Beelze-Bubblegum.
The local cable company asked me what I thought of their streaming service. I said it was all wet.
This morning I tried opening Quick Office on my phone. I could only get to a page that says “Quick Office is Not Responding.” Does anyone else see the irony in that?
The other day I woke up feeling that some time in the night I had experienced a psychotic break. I went to my doctor, and after a lengthy examination, it turns out I had only experienced a psychotic strain. The doc says I need to keep my brain elevated for the next 36 hours. Also, if I could pay the full fee today, he will reimburse me after the insurance pays him. I have heard that one before.
I had an eye appointment earlier this week. And then, me and the eye had drinks and then went back to its place. But seriously, folks. My Eye Doctor has a new process of examining your eyes, and it does not involve dilation. It does, however, involve an exchange of money. The pictures of my eyes were so fascinating that I thought I would share one of them with you, my loyal readers. But I caution anyone who would use this to hack into the eye-scan locks on any of my six wall safes. The image has been modified slightly, in a section known only by my optometrist (for safety, of course). It kind of looks like outer space, doesn’t it? Is that my optic nerve, or a distant star? I have hungry cats to feed now, and lots of football to watch. This is the best time of year for me (and many like me). It is Christmas every Sunday!
Here is an excerpt of a conversation I recently heard at the school I am attending:
“Do you know where the swimming pool is?”
“Just follow the group of towel-people over there.”
Did you know that California will soon allow terminally ill patients to end their lives legally? There are many criteria to meet in order for a person to do this, however. If a person lived in New York they wouldn’t need any such law. They could just walk into any bar in Brooklyn or Manhattan and make disparaging remarks about Jerry Vale or Tony Bennett. They would not be long for this world after that, believe me.
Have you heard about the latest fashion accessory sweeping Hollywood? It is surgically-implanted belt loops. People will now be able to wear a belt without the need for pants, thus providing a spot to hold a phone any time, day or night. Californians are such wacky folks.
Lastly, I know a guy who is so clueless, he thinks a Red-Light District has something to do with traffic control!
I was thinking about putting a bowling alley on my roof. It should be pretty simple since the gutters are already there. What do you think? It’s a good idea, right?
In my home, we have an understanding with the ants. They don’t come inside the house, and we don’t hurt them when we find them in our hummingbird feeders. In order for them to get to the food they must first traverse a wire the size of, well, an ant! How can we hurt them after all of that effort? We always leave the bugs alone in our house. There are currently 2 spiders living in my bathroom that are bigger than your average bathroom spider.
Last week I had a dentist appointment. After being administered the requisite novacaine and cotton balls, I had the following conversation with my dentist:
Dentist: So, how is the family?
Me: Ermm erm ermy erm-erm-arm-erm-ormy…..ERM!
Me: Oom…Oom Erm Erm…Erm….OOM-OOM-ERMY-ARM-ORMY!
Dentist: Did they bring the kids?
Me: Erm ERM Erm-Erm Oom Oom
Dentist: Oh, that is so wonderful.
Me: Erm ERM ERM! OOM URM ERM URM?
Dentist: Well, of course I will.
Me: Arm Arm ERM URM OOM IRM ERM ERM ERM ARMY?!
Dentist: No, there are Thirty-Two teeth in the human mouth, not 26.
Me: ERM OOM OOM ERM ARM!!
Dentist: I went to Dental School, I know what I am talking about. How dare you “ERM OOM OOM ERM ARM” me!
Me: Arm Ermy
Dentist: Well, don’t worry about it.
Me: Arm Arm ERM URM OOM IRM ERM ERM ERM ARMY?
Dentist: Yes, I am sure. 32 teeth.
Me: Well, you did go to dental school……
I would like to start out by giving a big shout-out to someone very close to me (but not at the moment) who almost one month ago gave up eating meat and drinking alcohol. This person asked me what my secret to being so healthy-looking was, and I said “I do not eat meat and drink no liquor.” Keep it up mystery person, in no time at all you will be lean and mean, just like me. I used to be just mean. Now I am mean AND lean.
This is a true story. A few days ago I started losing feeling in my big toe. I thought I was having a heart attack, but that would have caused me to lose feeling in my arm, right? After further investigation I realized that I was not having a heart attack, but was suffering the pain and embarrassment of an ingrown toenail. I don’t know what is worse, a heart attack or an ingrown toenail. Probably the former.
Have you seen the TV/Netflix show “Longmire?” It is a show about a rough-and-tumble Sheriff in a Wyoming Town. Each week someone ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time, and they often ending up kicking the bucket figuratively, and sometimes, literally. Sheriff Walt Longmire then investigates, and is not above tying a rope to a suspect and tying the other end of it to a saddle on a bucking bronco. They get real chatty when he uses that interrogation technique. The Departmental Office Procedure Manual reads, in part, “…and if a barroom brawl becomes necessary in order to make an arrest, be sure to fill out form 210-A (Barroom Brawl Damage Inventory Sheet) for the Department’s Property Insurance Records.
And Finally:Middle-School Teacher Supply Kit:
500 Cartoon-Character Band-Aids
3 Mayonnaise Jars Half-Filled With Water. Remember, they MUST BE HALF-FILLED WITH WATER! Otherwise the roots won’t grow. Each bottle must be large enough to hold a toothpick-impailed potato in water. Mandatory for all Middle-Schoolers. All Left-Schoolers and Right-Schoolers are exempt every other year, and vice-versa. Fun Fact: The Potato in Water with Toothpicks was invented by Mamie Eisenhower in 1935, and has been in use ever since.
2 Mops and Buckets
50 Paper Towels
2,000 Juice Boxes. That should just about cover it.
Gilbert and Sullivan refers to the Victorian-era theatrical partnership of the librettist W. S. Gilbert (1836–1911) and the composer Arthur Sullivan (1842–1900) and to the works they jointly created. The two men collaborated on fourteen comic operas between 1871 and 1896, of which H.M.S. Pinafore, … Continue reading Gilbert and Sullivan