The Situation Room

In a secret room deep in the bowels of the White House, the Defense Secretary confers with the President.  The Vice-President sits quietly in a corner humming to himself.  They discuss the state of the world, the football playoffs, and upcoming budget cuts.

President:  Did I ever tell you the story about when I was a kid and Slim Domino came to our town?

Vice-President:  Don’t you mean Fats Domino?

President: This was before he put on all of that weight.

Defense Secretary: Mr. President, I am afraid I have bad news.

President: When do you not?

Defense Secretary: I am sorry sir, but there are more budget cuts on the way.

President: What a surprise!  What is going to change?

Defense Secretary: For starters, we no longer have enough money to do the 21-gun salute.

President: And what do you plan on doing instead?

Defense Secretary: We have many ideas in place, one of which is we get 14 guys to stand in a circle and do the wave.  On your order, sir.

President: I see. Any other cuts?

Defense Secretary: The March of Dimes is taking a cut, and will now be known as the “Stroll of Nickels.”

Vice-President: Did I ever tell you about the summer that I broke my nose in three places?

Defense Secretary:  Where did this happen?

Vice-President: Let’s see, I believe the first time was in Las Vegas, the second time was in Oval Office, and the third time was in my living room.

President:  You were in the Oval Office?  Was I informed?  And if so how did I look?

Defense Secretary:   I ran into Sargent Shriver the other day.

Vice-President: He isn’t an officer yet?

Defense Secretary: No, not yet.  We played basketball.

Vice-President: Did you win?

Defense Secretary:  No, he cleaned my clock.  Not only did he clean my clock, but he also set the time back one hour.

President: This morning I used one of those magnifying mirrors on my face.  I will never do that again.

Vice-President: Why not?

President: Because my face looked like some sort of alien world, with all sorts of weird little creatures living on it.

Defense Secretary:  Sounds like my first wife.

 The Vice President picks up the phone and calls home.  His granddaughter answers the phone. 

Vice-President: How are you doing?

Granddaughter: Not so good.

Vice-President: What is wrong?

Granddaughter: My Daddy is drinking Scotch and watching Patton on DVD.  Again!

Vice-President: Get out of the house, now!

The Vice President hangs up the phone.

Defense Secretary: Have you ever been abroad, Mr. President?

President: No, I have been a man my whole life.

Defense Secretary: I saw a Wang Chung concert over the weekend.

President: How was it?

Defense Secretary: It was ok.  I think I liked Chung better when he was without Wang.

President: I hear you.  That reminds me, I want you both to come to my home for Christmas.  And I won’t take no for an answer.  That is final.

Vice-President: You know what you are?

President: What?

Vice-President: You are a social rapist.  You force people to go into social situations they don’t want to be in.

President: Well, I am the President.

Defense Secretary: I went on Match.com last week.  I picked a woman that I thought was 39 years old and 5’7”.  It turns out that she filled out the form wrong.  She is actually 57 years old and 3’9”.

President: That is brutal.  Are you going to see her again?

Defense Secretary: Yes, I am bringing her to your Christmas party.

President:  How is the wife, Mr. VP?

Vice-President: She is fine.  Did you know that she has become a Minist?

President: What is a Minist?

Vice-President: A Minist is a Minimalist who has minimalized everything, including her title.

Defense Secretary: Did I tell you that my son just got accepted to Penn State?

President:  You have a kid?

Defense Secretary: Yes, and soon he will be playing for the Fighting Amish.

President:  The Fighting Amish?

Defense Secretary:  Is there an echo in here?

President: Did I ever tell you the story about the frog and the scorpion?

Vice-President: Oh no, not again…..

President: You see, there was this scorpion, and he tells this frog to take him to the other side of the river and promises not to bite him….

Vice-President: And when they get to the other side he bites him, right?

President:  So you’ve heard this one already?

Vice-President: You tell me that story three times a week!  Enough with the animal analogies!  Blow something up already!

Defense Secretary: Did I tell you I am going to be ghost-writing a book?

President:  I don’t think I will be reading it.

Defense Secretary: Why not?

President:  I am afraid of ghosts!

Vice-President: Have you noticed how the Secretary of Agriculture has a hook nose?

Defense Secretary: A lot of people have a hook nose.

Vice-President: Yeah, but his hooks to the right!

Defense Secretary: I thought a slice was to the right, and a hook was to the left.

Vice-President: That depends on if you are right handed or not.

President: You know, when I was a kid I wanted to be so many things.  A prison warden, a coal miner, a medical test subject.  I never dreamed I would make it this far.

Defense Secretary: We are all very proud of you sir.

President: Did I ever tell you the story about the Frog and the Scorpion?  There was this frog, and he wanted to get across a stream.  No wait, that’s wrong.  There was this Scorpion, and he knew this frog……

Vice-President: I have to go.  I heard that Patton is on TV tonight….

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