The Bus Ride

The bus careened down the highway with the impatience of a gambler standing at a two-dollar window.  Several of the regular passengers sat talking, as usual, not using their “indoor voices.”  One-Eyed Jimmy was the loudest.  Nobody knew where One-Eyed Jimmy picked up his name.  He had both of his eyes.  He sat next to Rudy, a paunchy middle-aged man who knew everything there is to know but never seemed to have correct change, and was missing one eye.  Why he wasn’t named One-Eyed Rudy nobody knows.  The driver, another paunchy middle-aged man named Carl, looked in the rear-view mirror while he carried on yet another conversation on world politics.

Rudy:    So what’s the deal with this Mubarak guy?  Why is everyone so upset over there?

Jimmy:  I’m not sure.  I heard he was being obstressive with the masses.  That’s what I read, anyhow.

Carl:  They don’t have masses over there.  Where do you think they are, Brooklyn?  And I think you mean “obtrusive.”  That’s what all those world leaders are, obtrusive.

Jimmy:  Yeah, that’s right, obtrusive.  I heard he was caught in a pyramid scheme.

Carl:  That makes sense.  You know, a lot of world leaders throughout history have suffered from dementia.  Just look at that German guy with the mustache.

Rudy:  Do you mean Hitler? 

Carl:  I was trying to avoid saying his name, but since you already did, yes.  I think he suffered from some sort of mania.

Rudy:  Perhaps it was Germanic Depression.

Carl:  That’s quite possible.  Quite possible indeed. 

Rudy:  Say, do you happen to have change for a five dollar bill?  I need 3 ones, 6 quarters, 3 dimes……

Jimmy:  Oh for God’s sake Rudy!!  Again with the change!!

The bus stops and a Latino Man named Carlos boards the bus.  He puts his change in “the thing” and sits in front of One-Eyed Jimmy and Rudy.

Rudy:  I have been having trouble sleeping.

Carlos:  When I have trouble sleeping, I count sheeps.

Rudy:  What kind of sheeps?

Carlos:  Oh, you know.  Rocket sheeps, space sheeps……

Carl:  Hey you guys, do you think Jon Hamm and Kevin Bacon would have trouble ordering at a kosher deli?

Carlos:  I don’t think they would be allowed in a kosher deli.  Not with those names.

Carl:  Those people take that pork thing literally, don’t they?

A man sitting quietly in the back of the bus sits up and looks angry:

Man:  “What do you mean, ‘Those people?”

Carl:  You know, delicatessen owners.

Man:  I know what you meant!  You should be more respectful.  I used to be a scratch golfer!

Carl:  And what are you now?

Man:  A golf scratcher.

Jimmy:  Did you know that I graduated at the top of my class?  Of course, I was wearing stilts at the time.

Carlos:  I graduated first in my class.  But we lined up alphabetically, and my last name is Alvarez.

Jimmy:  Did I ever tell you about my last job interview?  I answered an ad for a warehouse manager, it turns out that it was a typo and the job was actually a whorehouse manager.

Carl:  Those places have managers?

Jimmy:  How should I know?

Man:  You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

All, in unison:  We are!

Jimmy:  Anyway, I finally did get a job as an office helper.  But on my first day there I hit on the secretary and got fired for it.

Carl:  Tried to get laid, ended up getting laid off?

Jimmy:  Exactly.

Rudy:  I once knew a woman so skinny, even her bone marrow was narrow.

Jimmy:  When this day finally ends, I think I am going to buy myself a bottle of rye whiskey.

Rudy:  And then what are you going to do?  Have a rye toast?

Jimmy:  How did you know?

Rudy:  I have been reading these “scripts” for a while now.

Carlos:  Did I ever tell you about my old job?  I used to drive a stretch limo.

Jimmy:  What happened?  Did you get fired?

Carlos:  No, I had to resign because I was getting stretch marks.

Jimmy:  My brother told me that his bride-to-be is hinting that she might not want to go through with the wedding.

Rudy:  It sounds like a veiled threat.

Jimmy:  No, I think she means it.

Carl:  Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was in the state-wide spelling bee?  I had an upset stomach for two weeks before the spelling bee and didn’t have time to study.

Jimmy:  I take it you didn’t win?

Carl:  No, I lost on the word “Diarrhea.”

Rudy:  I lost on the word “Ophthalmologist.”

Carl:  Are you sure that is how you spell it?

Rudy:  I am now.  Look it up.  I couldn’t believe it either.  Who puts an “h” between a “p” and a “t?”

Carl:  Apparently, Ophthalmologists!

Jimmy:  OK Carl, this is my stop.

Carl:  Ring the bell.  I can’t stop unless you ring the bell.

Jimmy:  Are you serious?

Carl:  Yes, I am serious.

Jimmy:  You are psychotic.  No, wait, you are pathetic.  You are both – you are psychopathetic!

Jimmy rings the bell, the bus comes to a stop, and he makes his way to the exit.

Carl:  See you tomorrow Jimmy. 

Jim:  OK Carl.  See you tomorrow.  I am going to go home and watch The Mentalist now.  And don’t forget correct change tomorrow, Rudy.

Rudy:  I won’t.

Carl:  Yes, you will.

The bus takes off down the road, everyone looks out the window and wonders if “The Mentalist” will be any good that night.

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