The Elevator

An elevator lurches to a stop in a downtown business building.  The three occupants stare at each other nervously.  Jim is a copy repairman who smells like cigarettes, which is ironic because he doesn’t smoke.  Laura is a Model on her way to an interview, and she is dressed as such, complete with dred locks.  Phillip is an office worker who feels trapped by his job, literally. 

Phillip:  Well, it looks like we are going to be here for a while.  Why don’t we get to know each other?  So what do you do for a living?

Jim:  I’ll have you know that I write movie reviews.

Phillip:  Really?  Who do you write for, the New York Times?

Jim:  No, Netflix.

Laura:  Did you see the video of that kid in Australia who body slammed the little bully?

Jim:  I did see that video!  But I had to sit through a Lexus commercial first. 

Laura:  What do the two of you think of my Dred Locks?

Phillip:  I dread them

Jim:  They aren’t so bad.  But I am not sure how I feel about the green color.  And are you sure your eyebrows should be in knots like that?  And what’s with the hook in your lip, are you waiting for someone to land you?  Are you going for some sort of fish look?

Laura:  I hate fish.  My boyfriend is in a band

Jim:  What kind of music does he play?

Laura:  Grudge Music.

Phillip:  Don’t you mean Grunge Music?

Laura:  No, Grudge Music.  It is music that is unforgiving.

Jim:  Did I ever tell you about my Dad?

Laura:  Dude, we just met.

Jim:  He was a Navigator on a Bomber in World War II.

Phillip:  Oh, really?  Was he any good at it?  Did he get any medals?  Was he decorated?

Jim:  What is he, a Christmas Tree?  But no, he was so bad that they accidently bombed Greenland three times.

Phillip:  I was in the Army too.  When I joined they made me take an oaf of allegiance.

Laura:  Don’t you mean an oath of allegiance?

Phillip: No.

Laura: What do you want out of life?

Jim:  I want to not be worried all of the time.

Laura:  Then you should stop worrying.

Jim:  Have you ever met my sister Em?

Laura:  No, I haven’t.  I have never seen you before.  Who was she named after?

Jim:  An embryo.

Phillip:  Did you know that today is Election Day? 

Jim:  My parents never vote.

Laura:  Why not?

Jim:  Because they have opposite opinions on everything under the sun.  Their votes would cancel each other’s out.

Laura:  Have you ever been married?

Phillip:  No, but I have been divorced twice.

Jim:  I remember my first wife.  When we met, we used to walk hand in hand.  After that, we would walk on our hands, foot in foot.

Phillip:  I remember my first girlfriend.  She was so skinny that even her bone marrow was narrow.

Laura:  I feel invincible today.

Phillip:  Really, I don’t see why.  I can see you.

Jim:  I was reading that Jerry Seinfeld makes eighty million dollars a year, just for residuals.

Laura:  What are residuals?

Jim:  I am not sure, but I want some. 

Phillip:  He makes 80 million dollars a year?  I can’t even buy razor blades. 

Jim:  I usually shave in the shower.

Phillip:  I was reading about a guy who used an electric razor in the shower and got electrocuted.

Laura:  What did he do for a living?

Phillip:  He was in bath bubbles.

Laura:  How about you?

Phillip:  I am in women’s underwear.

Jim:  Have you ever been abroad?

Phillip:  No, I have been a man my whole life.

Laura:  So what do you think of this whole Middle East thing?

Jim:  It’s just awful.  But I think I know how we can get those tyrants to step down.

Laura:  How?

Jim:  We force them to watch Larry King do an interview with Charlie Sheen.

Phillip:  That just might do it.  He does have Tiger Blood, you know.

Laura:  Who, Charlie Sheen?

Phillip:  No, Larry King!

Laura:  Which one was the Warlock again?

Jim:  I’m not sure, I think Charlie Sheen is the Warlock.

Laura:  But I thought he had Tiger Blood. 

Jim:  He has Tiger Blood AND he is a Warlock

Phillip:  And who is it again that is winning?

Jim:  I am not sure who is winning, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t me.

Laura:  Can I give you some advice?

Jim:  I wish you wouldn’t.

Phillip:  Being stuck in here with you reminds me a lot of my time in the service.

Jim:  Oh, were you in the Army?

Phillip:  No, I was in the Secret Service.

Laura:  What did you do there?

Phillip:  I can’t tell you.  It’s a secret.

Jim:  Did you see that show last night about indentured servants?

Laura:  What is an indentured servant?  Is it someone with missing teeth?

Jim:  Yes. It is someone with missing teeth.

Phillip:  I have some missing teeth.  Hopefully I will find them soon.

Jim:  I watched a show last night about human trafficking.

Laura:  What is that, like people on freeways and such? 

Jim:  People should carpool more often.  That would cut down on the human trafficking.

The elevator jumps back to life.  The door opens and the three occupants exit and wait to be reunited in another script.

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