A Joke a Day Keeps the Blues Away

I have been taking a break from writing for the past few months.  That is code for “I have been sitting on the couch eating cereal and watching television and Netflix for the past few months.”  But today, I am going to try something new.  I am going to try to come up with a new joke every day for the next month.  If that works out, I may increase that to two jokes every day. 

I actually had Garry Shandling reply to one the jokes I sent to him.  His response was “I will explain to u how jokes work later.”  Is that hilarious or what?  And who doesn’t love Garry Shandling?  Certainly not me.  He is da bomb.  I have still been writing my clever thoughts down in my journal. Here are the latest.  Isn’t this exciting?  (I sound like Hank on the Larry Sanders show).

I noticed something when I was watching True Blood last night.  There are many similarities between vampires and myself.  They are as follows:

1.  I am always hungry

2.  I try to avoid direct sunlight

3.  People instinctively know not to invite me into their homes.

I wonder where vampires drank blood during Prohibition?  We had Speakeasies, maybe they had Spookeasies. 

I was talking with my neighbor the other day. She is a MILTH (Mother I’d Like to Hug).  I told her I had a spastic colon.  She said, “You’re lucky.  I have a spastic husband.”  Her husband works at the post office.  He is one of those “Alpha Males” you’ve heard about.  I wonder if he is also an Alpha Mailman?

I tried to finance a new car last year.  They promised me a no interest loan.  After checking my credit, that is what they still had.  No interest whatsoever.

I was reading that many Hollywood celebrities suffer from depression these days.  I think I can understand why.  Fifty million dollars just isn’t what it used to be.

If Mitt Romney wins this November, the first thing he is going to do is force us all to read “The Mormon Handbook for Dummies.”

Scat Singing is making quite a comeback.  I personally don’t see what the big deal is with singing about animal dung.

Have you ever played Twister?  That is a game where you let all of the livestock out of the corral, and hide in the storm cellar.  Oh, and first you count all of the chickens.

Do you know what they call it when you have no friends?  An Out of Buddy experience.

If a plane is “Wheels Up” does that mean the plane is upside down?

That is all for now, thank you and good night.

 

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