Thoughts and Observations (feel free to use any of these at parties if you are running out of things to say):
- Did you know that some parts of Beverly Hills are so upscale that when the police arrive at a crime scene, they get valet parking? It is true. I wouldn’t lie to you.
- We are having trouble shutting off the heater in our house. I know that we have forced-air heating, but this is getting ridiculous!
- We recently purchased a new coffee maker. It stopped working after two months. The company was kind enough to send a replacement, but now we have to return the old one. The Fedex lady said that there is a nine hour window for pickup today. That isn’t a window, it is a sliding glass door! Or perhaps an entire building?
- I read that Ashton Kutcher is starring in a film about the life of Steve Jobs. I have thought of the perfect title: “Two and a Half Megs.”
- Do you come from a large family? Me too. Some of us are huge! However, I don’t visit very often. Why? Because I don’t like crowds. Also, I am afraid of trains.
- I was watching an episode of Perry Mason just the other night. It was recorded in 1962. That is over 50 years ago (I did that in my head, no calculator). There was one scene where you could hear the sound of waves breaking on the ocean. However, that scene took place inside a courtroom. Perhaps the tape was dusty?
- Have you ever known women who want nothing more than to be pregnant? I have the perfect name for that syndrome: Fetus Envy.
- When I was in high school, I once asked a girl out, but since I was only 5 feet tall and had a skin condition, she said no. My friend told me that she was out of my league. He may have been right. Or perhaps we were in the same league, just a different conference.
- I did a search recently for sex offenders in my area. I must have typed it in wrong, because I got a list of offensive sax players. And one of them had a history of violins.
- If you have an injured dog, tell him to heal.
- Speaking of dogs, what would you call someone who designs dog houses? A barkitecht.
- Rock groups named after flying animals: A Flock of Seagulls, Counting Crowes, Black Crows, The Byrds, The Eagles, A Flock of Pigeons
I guess that’s about it.