What is the First Thing a Shoe Shine Person Says in the Morning?

Rise and Shine!

Do you want to hear something ironic?  Internet Explorer keeps sending me pop-ups that say “Internet Explorer Just Blocked a Pop-Up.”  That’s great, Internet Explorer!  But aren’t you kind of defeating the purpose here?

I was watching “The Haunting Hour” on Netflix earlier tonight.  There was an episode that had someone who was the “Master of the Insects.”  He used his power for evil and was in the end smothered by cockroaches.  Kind of like my bachelor party.  I learned that there are quite a few insects in the world.  At any time, it is estimated that there are some 10 quintillion (10,000,000,000,000,000,000) individual insects alive.  Divide that number by 7 billion and you get around 1.4 billion insects PER PERSON in the world!  How am I supposed to sleep now?  For more insect info check out:
http://www.si.edu/encyclopedia_si/nmnh/buginfo/bugnos.htm

Next week’s topic:  Amphibians

And finally:

Take a ride on the Coal Train.  John Coltrane that is.  This is a link to a video that shows every note John Coltrane plays on the song Giant Steps, as he is playing them!  It is fascinating.  If you like that sort of thing.

 

 

 

 

I Avoid The Following

Here is a partial list of the 1,000 things that make me uneasy (listed in no particular order):

  • Mail Delivery People
  • Bag People
  • Silent Films
  • Graduate Students
  • Art Gallery Administrative Personnel (excluding Receptionists)
  • Parking Lots
  • Car Washes (unless they are drive-through)
  • Dirt Clods
  • Rock Candy
  • Cotton Candy
  • Excessive Coupons at the Checkout Line
  • Unintelligible Music Buzzing From Speakers at Fast Food Restaurants
  • Inoperative Bathroom Facilities at Restaurants
  • Nick Nolte Films (but strangely enough, not Nick Nolte)
  • “Air Quotes”
  • Single Paranthesescotton candy

Dude, You’re Getting Adele

  • This will most likely be my last post of the year.   I hope 2016 brings you all prosperity and happiness.  I mean that, whoever you are.  Even you, Harold.
  • As for me, my laptop has been ignoring me lately.  When I asked her what the problem was, she responded by accusing me of pushing her buttons and rebooting her at times for no reason.  If this keeps up I may have to re-format her disk.
  • Have you seen Adele on the cover of Time Magazine?  What is going on here?  Adele is everywhere!  It’s 2002 all over again, only slightly different.  Now it is “Dude, you’re getting Adele.”
  • And finally:

horace

Now Where Was I?

  • Can anyone tell me which one it is?  Are we supposed to talk about Fight Club?  Or are we NOT supposed to talk about Fight Club.  I always get that mixed up.
  • Have you seen that show called “The Affair?” Fiona Apple does the opening theme song.  It has a couple of sour notes, however.
    gum
  • Have you heard about the newest bubblegum chewed by Devil Worshippers?  It is called Beelze-Bubblegum.
  • The local cable company asked me what I thought of their streaming service.  I said it was all wet.
  • This morning I tried opening Quick Office on my phone.  I could only get to a page that says “Quick Office is Not Responding.” Does anyone else see the irony in that?
  • docThe other day I woke up feeling that some time in the night I had experienced a psychotic break.  I went to my doctor, and after a lengthy examination, it turns out I had only experienced a psychotic strain.  The doc says I need to keep my brain elevated for the next 36 hours.  Also, if I could pay the full fee today, he will reimburse me after the insurance pays him. I have heard that one before.

 

The Situation Room

In a secret room deep in the bowels of the White House, the Defense Secretary confers with the President.  The Vice-President sits quietly in a corner humming to himself.  They discuss the state of the world, the football playoffs, and upcoming budget cuts.

President:  Did I ever tell you the story about when I was a kid and Slim Domino came to our town?

Vice-President:  Don’t you mean Fats Domino?

President: This was before he put on all of that weight.

Defense Secretary: Mr. President, I am afraid I have bad news.

President: When do you not?

Defense Secretary: I am sorry sir, but there are more budget cuts on the way.

President: What a surprise!  What is going to change?

Defense Secretary: For starters, we no longer have enough money to do the 21-gun salute.

President: And what do you plan on doing instead?

Defense Secretary: We have many ideas in place, one of which is we get 14 guys to stand in a circle and do the wave.  On your order, sir.

President: I see. Any other cuts?

Defense Secretary: The March of Dimes is taking a cut, and will now be known as the “Stroll of Nickels.”

Vice-President: Did I ever tell you about the summer that I broke my nose in three places?

Defense Secretary:  Where did this happen?

Vice-President: Let’s see, I believe the first time was in Las Vegas, the second time was in Oval Office, and the third time was in my living room.

President:  You were in the Oval Office?  Was I informed?  And if so how did I look?

Defense Secretary:   I ran into Sargent Shriver the other day.

Vice-President: He isn’t an officer yet?

Defense Secretary: No, not yet.  We played basketball.

Vice-President: Did you win?

Defense Secretary:  No, he cleaned my clock.  Not only did he clean my clock, but he also set the time back one hour.

President: This morning I used one of those magnifying mirrors on my face.  I will never do that again.

Vice-President: Why not?

President: Because my face looked like some sort of alien world, with all sorts of weird little creatures living on it.

Defense Secretary:  Sounds like my first wife.

 The Vice President picks up the phone and calls home.  His granddaughter answers the phone. 

Vice-President: How are you doing?

Granddaughter: Not so good.

Vice-President: What is wrong?

Granddaughter: My Daddy is drinking Scotch and watching Patton on DVD.  Again!

Vice-President: Get out of the house, now!

The Vice President hangs up the phone.

Defense Secretary: Have you ever been abroad, Mr. President?

President: No, I have been a man my whole life.

Defense Secretary: I saw a Wang Chung concert over the weekend.

President: How was it?

Defense Secretary: It was ok.  I think I liked Chung better when he was without Wang.

President: I hear you.  That reminds me, I want you both to come to my home for Christmas.  And I won’t take no for an answer.  That is final.

Vice-President: You know what you are?

President: What?

Vice-President: You are a social rapist.  You force people to go into social situations they don’t want to be in.

President: Well, I am the President.

Defense Secretary: I went on Match.com last week.  I picked a woman that I thought was 39 years old and 5’7”.  It turns out that she filled out the form wrong.  She is actually 57 years old and 3’9”.

President: That is brutal.  Are you going to see her again?

Defense Secretary: Yes, I am bringing her to your Christmas party.

President:  How is the wife, Mr. VP?

Vice-President: She is fine.  Did you know that she has become a Minist?

President: What is a Minist?

Vice-President: A Minist is a Minimalist who has minimalized everything, including her title.

Defense Secretary: Did I tell you that my son just got accepted to Penn State?

President:  You have a kid?

Defense Secretary: Yes, and soon he will be playing for the Fighting Amish.

President:  The Fighting Amish?

Defense Secretary:  Is there an echo in here?

President: Did I ever tell you the story about the frog and the scorpion?

Vice-President: Oh no, not again…..

President: You see, there was this scorpion, and he tells this frog to take him to the other side of the river and promises not to bite him….

Vice-President: And when they get to the other side he bites him, right?

President:  So you’ve heard this one already?

Vice-President: You tell me that story three times a week!  Enough with the animal analogies!  Blow something up already!

Defense Secretary: Did I tell you I am going to be ghost-writing a book?

President:  I don’t think I will be reading it.

Defense Secretary: Why not?

President:  I am afraid of ghosts!

Vice-President: Have you noticed how the Secretary of Agriculture has a hook nose?

Defense Secretary: A lot of people have a hook nose.

Vice-President: Yeah, but his hooks to the right!

Defense Secretary: I thought a slice was to the right, and a hook was to the left.

Vice-President: That depends on if you are right handed or not.

President: You know, when I was a kid I wanted to be so many things.  A prison warden, a coal miner, a medical test subject.  I never dreamed I would make it this far.

Defense Secretary: We are all very proud of you sir.

President: Did I ever tell you the story about the Frog and the Scorpion?  There was this frog, and he wanted to get across a stream.  No wait, that’s wrong.  There was this Scorpion, and he knew this frog……

Vice-President: I have to go.  I heard that Patton is on TV tonight….