In a secret room deep in the bowels of the White House, the Defense Secretary confers with the President. The Vice-President sits quietly in a corner humming to himself. They discuss the state of the world, the football playoffs, and upcoming budget cuts.
President: Did I ever tell you the story about when I was a kid and Slim Domino came to our town?
Vice-President: Don’t you mean Fats Domino?
President: This was before he put on all of that weight.
Defense Secretary: Mr. President, I am afraid I have bad news.
President: When do you not?
Defense Secretary: I am sorry sir, but there are more budget cuts on the way.
President: What a surprise! What is going to change?
Defense Secretary: For starters, we no longer have enough money to do the 21-gun salute.
President: And what do you plan on doing instead?
Defense Secretary: We have many ideas in place, one of which is we get 14 guys to stand in a circle and do the wave. On your order, sir.
President: I see. Any other cuts?
Defense Secretary: The March of Dimes is taking a cut, and will now be known as the “Stroll of Nickels.”
Vice-President: Did I ever tell you about the summer that I broke my nose in three places?
Defense Secretary: Where did this happen?
Vice-President: Let’s see, I believe the first time was in Las Vegas, the second time was in Oval Office, and the third time was in my living room.
President: You were in the Oval Office? Was I informed? And if so how did I look?
Defense Secretary: I ran into Sargent Shriver the other day.
Vice-President: He isn’t an officer yet?
Defense Secretary: No, not yet. We played basketball.
Vice-President: Did you win?
Defense Secretary: No, he cleaned my clock. Not only did he clean my clock, but he also set the time back one hour.
President: This morning I used one of those magnifying mirrors on my face. I will never do that again.
Vice-President: Why not?
President: Because my face looked like some sort of alien world, with all sorts of weird little creatures living on it.
Defense Secretary: Sounds like my first wife.
The Vice President picks up the phone and calls home. His granddaughter answers the phone.
Vice-President: How are you doing?
Granddaughter: Not so good.
Vice-President: What is wrong?
Granddaughter: My Daddy is drinking Scotch and watching Patton on DVD. Again!
Vice-President: Get out of the house, now!
The Vice President hangs up the phone.
Defense Secretary: Have you ever been abroad, Mr. President?
President: No, I have been a man my whole life.
Defense Secretary: I saw a Wang Chung concert over the weekend.
President: How was it?
Defense Secretary: It was ok. I think I liked Chung better when he was without Wang.
President: I hear you. That reminds me, I want you both to come to my home for Christmas. And I won’t take no for an answer. That is final.
Vice-President: You know what you are?
Vice-President: You are a social rapist. You force people to go into social situations they don’t want to be in.
President: Well, I am the President.
Defense Secretary: I went on Match.com last week. I picked a woman that I thought was 39 years old and 5’7”. It turns out that she filled out the form wrong. She is actually 57 years old and 3’9”.
President: That is brutal. Are you going to see her again?
Defense Secretary: Yes, I am bringing her to your Christmas party.
President: How is the wife, Mr. VP?
Vice-President: She is fine. Did you know that she has become a Minist?
President: What is a Minist?
Vice-President: A Minist is a Minimalist who has minimalized everything, including her title.
Defense Secretary: Did I tell you that my son just got accepted to Penn State?
President: You have a kid?
Defense Secretary: Yes, and soon he will be playing for the Fighting Amish.
President: The Fighting Amish?
Defense Secretary: Is there an echo in here?
President: Did I ever tell you the story about the frog and the scorpion?
Vice-President: Oh no, not again…..
President: You see, there was this scorpion, and he tells this frog to take him to the other side of the river and promises not to bite him….
Vice-President: And when they get to the other side he bites him, right?
President: So you’ve heard this one already?
Vice-President: You tell me that story three times a week! Enough with the animal analogies! Blow something up already!
Defense Secretary: Did I tell you I am going to be ghost-writing a book?
President: I don’t think I will be reading it.
Defense Secretary: Why not?
President: I am afraid of ghosts!
Vice-President: Have you noticed how the Secretary of Agriculture has a hook nose?
Defense Secretary: A lot of people have a hook nose.
Vice-President: Yeah, but his hooks to the right!
Defense Secretary: I thought a slice was to the right, and a hook was to the left.
Vice-President: That depends on if you are right handed or not.
President: You know, when I was a kid I wanted to be so many things. A prison warden, a coal miner, a medical test subject. I never dreamed I would make it this far.
Defense Secretary: We are all very proud of you sir.
President: Did I ever tell you the story about the Frog and the Scorpion? There was this frog, and he wanted to get across a stream. No wait, that’s wrong. There was this Scorpion, and he knew this frog……
Vice-President: I have to go. I heard that Patton is on TV tonight….