Category: Humor

The Newborn’s Guide to Living

by The Write Stuff by John G., posted in Downright Hysterical, Humor, Short Stories

THE NEWBORN’S GUIDE TO LIVING
County General Hospital Maternity Ward

Welcome to the World!  You are a newborn baby.  Several billion babies were born before you, and several billion will most likely follow. Here are some helpful hints and facts about you, the newborn baby, to help you along your way.

You probably have many questions.  Don’t panic.  This guide will help you traverse the many challenges that will surely come your way in the following months.  Feel free to consult it whenever questions arise about your body or the world around you.  And remember, if you feel like something needs to be cleaned up, let someone know.

Section One – Head, Torso, Legs, Feet, Toes, Arms, Hands, Fingers, and Thumbs

You are probably laying there in your crib wondering what that is right below you.  It is called a torso.  The two parts leading downward (or upward, depending on your position) are called legs.  Say it with me.  Legs.  That’s it, you’ve got it, legs!  We haven’t even covered speech yet, and you are already talking!  On the end of each leg is what are known as feet.  Say it with me again.  Feet.  You are a quick learner!  I think you are going to do quite well on this endless journey known as life.

At the end of each foot, you should find five small nubs.  These are your toes.  They are used for, well, I’m not really sure.  I think they help you with your balance.  At least the big ones do.  Some people can pick things up with their toes, but not me.  But that isn’t important right now.  The main purpose of this section is to let you know the names of your appendages, so that you won’t be embarrassed if someone gives you a compliment.  That happened to me when I was just a few days old.  Someone complimented me on my toes, and I didn’t know what to say.  I don’t want that to happen to you.

Do you remember when we talked about your arms?  Those are the two limbs nearest your head.  You can’t see your head, because your eyes (we will discuss them in Section Three – Auditory and Visual Organs) are set, hopefully, at the top of it.  A simple exercise is to look to your left, and then slowly look down.  Now do the same thing, only this time look to the right.  The first thing you see should be your shoulders and arms.  Wiggle them around.  Bounce them back and forth.  That’s it!  You are doing it!  You are wiggling your shoulders and arms.  At the end of each arm are what we call hands.  Each hand should have four fingers and a thumb.  The thumb is the one that can only bend in one spot, and is found on the inside (pointing towards the center) of the hand.  Your thumbs and fingers are going to probably be the most important parts of your body.  Some of you will use them to play musical instruments, others will use them to change tires for the rest of your lives.  It all depends on whether or not you realize the importance of an education. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  Let’s try wiggling those fingers.  Now wiggle those toes.  Wiggle them all at the same time.  Now just the toes.  Now just the fingers.  Practice doing that each day for at least 30 minutes, until you are able to switch back and forth at will.

You are probably getting hungry by now, so let’s stop here.  Tomorrow we will discuss how to use the many parts of your body to get what you want out of life.  And remember, if you need something you don’t need to cry about it.  Just hold up one of your hands and ask for help.  All of the nurses on staff are here to help you.  In the meantime, keep wiggling!

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Today’s Comedy Routine

by The Write Stuff by John G., posted in Humor, Short Stories
"I don't get no respect!"

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.  Thanks for coming down to see the show.  My name is John G.  I am on Tuesdays and Fridays from six to eight. 

My neighbor introduced me to his new wife recently.  He told me that she is one of those trophy wifes.  That might be right, but only for “Honorable Mention.”

So many people in the U.S. are filing for bankruptcy that the Number One Bestseller on the New York Times Non-Fiction list is Nolo Press’s “How to File for Chapter Seven Bankruptcy.”  I should know.  I just bought a copy.

I recently had dinner at a local restaurant.  The special for the evening was sausage and pepperoni pizza.  I told the waitress to give me the special with pepperoni but to hold the sausage.  And then for some reason she slapped me.  I still don’t know why.

I know an elderly man who has a saying:  “Always shoot from the hip.”  I am not sure what that means.  I ran into him the other day and asked him if he still “shoots from the hip.”  He said, no he doesn’t do that anymore because he broke it.  I tried shooting from the hip once.  If you have ever seen me in a bathing suit you would know how hard that is.  I have no hips.  Not only that, but my waste hasn’t been seen since 2006.  I’m not sure what’s going on down there anymore. 

Do you know how people always say that you sometimes need to take a leap of faith?  I tried it once and sprained my ankle.    All right, I admit it.  I didn’t make that up.  But it bears repeating.

Some people say I wreak havoc.  Others say I just reak.

Speaking of music, I was discussing chromatic scales recently with some friends, and somebody asked “What is a chromatic scale?  It sounds like something you would find on a metallic fish!”

I remember back when I had a nine-to-five job.  The company had a good year, and all of the employees were told to expect a bump in pay.  I thought that was nice, but I would prefer a shove, or at the very least a push.

Have you ever had a brush with the law?  I have had a couple of close calls, but that was long ago.  I don’t know if you would call them brushes, more like light combings.  But I have known people who have had not only brushes with the law, but full-blown stylings.

I once had Mono.  You know what Mono is, right?  Do you know why they call it Mono?  That is because when you have Mono, you can only hear out of one ear.

I can see by the panicked look in the Stage Manager’s eyes that my time is up.  See you all on Friday.  And whatever you do, do not try the veal.