Category: Humor

My Visual Analysis

Analysis of The Virgin Mary with Saints Thomas Aquinas and Paul
by Bernardo Daddi, in Florence, Italy, 1335

the virgin mary
It’s another painting with the Virgin Mary
And she’s with two Saints, and one is hairy
It’s done very well, this fact is true
And the Virgin Mary is wearing blue

Each of them have different poses
I wonder how they feel when the panel  closes?
The Virgin Mary is looking down
And everyone’s skin is very brown

The atmosphere is very static
The scaling is definitely hieratic
The saints appear to be litigious
The theme of this painting is quite religious

 

Available Rock Band Names

The following is a small sampling of available Rock Band names:

1. The Weepers

2. The Leepers

3. The Night School Creepers

4. The Smelly Neighbors

5. Cheese on Rye, Ask Not Why

6. The Eczema Experience

7. The Face Slappers

8. The Ear Benders

9. Five Rude Dudes

10. Next Time Let’s Take The Stairs

 

 

The Great Wave

1024px-Great_Wave_off_Kanagawa2

Do you know the name of this painting?
I will give you a hint
It was done by a Master Artist
Using a woodblock print

He changed his address 100 times
He was constantly on the move
He would fill each house with all of his drawings
And they would eventually have to move

It’s Hokusai’s “The Great Wave off Kanagawa”
I think that it’s just great
He lived in Japan in the Edo Period
Which ended in 1868 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hokusai

And here is my version:

IMG_20190627_123614

Nightmare at 20,000 Feet

William Shatner is flying on planea jet
And he is out of work
It’s stormy out and it’s quite wet
But he’s not Captain Kirk

He’s travelling with his trophy wife
Who tells him not to smoke
She’s known him almost all his life
And thinks he’s a splendid bloke

But soon after the plane departs
And there’s nowhere for him to hide
The chaos and the mayhem starts
When William looks outside

He says “There’s a Gremlin on the wing
And he’s pulling on the wires!”
The attendant says “It’s probably nothing.
Maybe you’re just too tired.”

“You’re right” he says while smiling
“I probably need some sleep
My behavior has become beguiling
Frow now on not a peep”

His wife then gives him a sleeping pill
And tells him to close his eyes
Pretty soon we will be in Jacksonville
As fast as this plane flies

She calms him with a gentle touch
As the passengers get nervous
One man who has had too much
Says loudly “I Need Service!”

Then William starts to twitch and panic
And needs to be restrained
His behaviour becomes almost manic
Some might even say insane

He grabs a gun from a sleeping cop
Who onced lived near the Kremlin
And then we hear a very loud pop
As he shoots wildly at the Gremlin

And when the plane limps back to ground
And to the hospital William is headed
Not one passenger makes a sound
Because the plane is completely shredded

Pop Goes The Weasel

bill-mumy

When I was just a little boy
I seldom was alone
My life was full of fun and joy
While watching the Twilight Zone

There was a certain episode
About a monster and a rummy
A telikenetic six-year old
That was played by young Bill Mumy

Bill Mumy was just six years old
With a very famous face
He once was up for a Golden Globe
From his work in Lost In Space

When Dan Hollis has a birthday
He drinks up all the brandy
And  Billy says “Happy Earth Day
Wouldn’t a trip be just dandy?”

Allow me to give you a present
On this, the day you were born
And please say hello to the pheasant
I’m going to wish you into the corn

And Aunt Amy just sits quiet
She really has no choice
Why should she even try it?
Bill Mumy took her voice

In earlier days she sang
Her voice went on and on
But now she just has hunger pangs
And her once strong voice is gone

Their life is hard, without a doubt
They each have no control
If anyone decides to pout
They’re turned into a troll

Well I digress, that isn’t true
I’ll put it back in the box
But if Bill Mumy doesn’t like you
He can turn you into a Jack-In-The-Box

I know this because I saw it
That is exactly what happened to Dan
Perry Como and booze made him crazy
And now he lives his days in a can

And he’s been living there since that day
With his head at the end of a spring
And his best friend is a lump of clay
And some other inanimate thing

But he still pops up from time to time
And stares right at the easel
While Bill Mumy sings that familiar rhyme
Pop Goes The Weasel

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It’s_a_Good_Life_(The_Twilight_Zone)

Classic Poetry

Ludwig’s music is incredible
And Wolfgang’s never missed
Franz’s music is almost edible
Both of them, Schubert and Lizst

Peter Ilyad’s music is capricious
And hardly ever arbitrary
Johan Sebastian still can reach us
Just ask my cousin Larry

To tell the truth, I have three cousins
But not one is named Larry
They spend the summer in the Hamptons
And get to work by ferry

Somehow I’ve gotten a bit off track
I do that from time to time
But eventually I find my way back
And continue with my rhyme

Now I remember of what I spoke
I was talking about classical composers
I love them all, and that’s no joke
As long as they’re not a poser

Sometimes Ludwig is just too much
And Brahms gets hard to Handl
Felix Mendelssohn has just the touch
He’s great at night by candle

Hector Berlioz was very peppy
And so was Antonio Vivaldi
Verdi’s first name was Giuseppe
And Rachmaninoff was a baldy

But now it’s time for me to leave
It’s almost time for school
But I’ll be back, you best believe
You’ll find me by the pool

Here are four songs by Mozart.  Do you know their titles?

The Newborn’s Guide to Living

THE NEWBORN’S GUIDE TO LIVING
County General Hospital Maternity Ward

Welcome to the World!  You are a newborn baby.  Several billion babies were born before you, and several billion will most likely follow. Here are some helpful hints and facts about you, the newborn baby, to help you along your way.

You probably have many questions.  Don’t panic.  This guide will help you traverse the many challenges that will surely come your way in the following months.  Feel free to consult it whenever questions arise about your body or the world around you.  And remember, if you feel like something needs to be cleaned up, let someone know.

Section One – Head, Torso, Legs, Feet, Toes, Arms, Hands, Fingers, and Thumbs

You are probably laying there in your crib wondering what that is right below you.  It is called a torso.  The two parts leading downward (or upward, depending on your position) are called legs.  Say it with me.  Legs.  That’s it, you’ve got it, legs!  We haven’t even covered speech yet, and you are already talking!  On the end of each leg is what are known as feet.  Say it with me again.  Feet.  You are a quick learner!  I think you are going to do quite well on this endless journey known as life.

At the end of each foot, you should find five small nubs.  These are your toes.  They are used for, well, I’m not really sure.  I think they help you with your balance.  At least the big ones do.  Some people can pick things up with their toes, but not me.  But that isn’t important right now.  The main purpose of this section is to let you know the names of your appendages, so that you won’t be embarrassed if someone gives you a compliment.  That happened to me when I was just a few days old.  Someone complimented me on my toes, and I didn’t know what to say.  I don’t want that to happen to you.

Do you remember when we talked about your arms?  Those are the two limbs nearest your head.  You can’t see your head, because your eyes (we will discuss them in Section Three – Auditory and Visual Organs) are set, hopefully, at the top of it.  A simple exercise is to look to your left, and then slowly look down.  Now do the same thing, only this time look to the right.  The first thing you see should be your shoulders and arms.  Wiggle them around.  Bounce them back and forth.  That’s it!  You are doing it!  You are wiggling your shoulders and arms.  At the end of each arm are what we call hands.  Each hand should have four fingers and a thumb.  The thumb is the one that can only bend in one spot, and is found on the inside (pointing towards the center) of the hand.  Your thumbs and fingers are going to probably be the most important parts of your body.  Some of you will use them to play musical instruments, others will use them to change tires for the rest of your lives.  It all depends on whether or not you realize the importance of an education. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  Let’s try wiggling those fingers.  Now wiggle those toes.  Wiggle them all at the same time.  Now just the toes.  Now just the fingers.  Practice doing that each day for at least 30 minutes, until you are able to switch back and forth at will.

You are probably getting hungry by now, so let’s stop here.  Tomorrow we will discuss how to use the many parts of your body to get what you want out of life.  And remember, if you need something you don’t need to cry about it.  Just hold up one of your hands and ask for help.  All of the nurses on staff are here to help you.  In the meantime, keep wiggling!

Today’s Comedy Routine

“I don’t get no respect!”

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.  Thanks for coming down to see the show.  My name is John G.  I am on Tuesdays and Fridays from six to eight.

My neighbor introduced me to his new wife recently.  He told me that she is one of those trophy wifes.  That might be right, but only for “Honorable Mention.”

So many people in the U.S. are filing for bankruptcy that the Number One Bestseller on the New York Times Non-Fiction list is Nolo Press’s “How to File for Chapter Seven Bankruptcy.”  I should know.  I just bought a copy.

I know an elderly man who has a saying:  “Always shoot from the hip.”  I am not sure what that means.  I ran into him the other day and asked him if he still “shoots from the hip.”  He said, no he doesn’t do that anymore because he broke it.  I tried shooting from the hip once.  If you have ever seen me in a bathing suit you would know how hard that is.  I have no hips.  Not only that, but my waste hasn’t been seen since 2006.  I’m not sure what’s going on down there anymore.

Do you know how people always say that you sometimes need to take a leap of faith?  I tried it once and sprained my ankle.    All right, I admit it.  I didn’t make that up.  But it bears repeating.

Some people say I wreak havoc.  Others say I just reak.

Speaking of music, I was discussing chromatic scales recently with some friends, and somebody asked “What is a chromatic scale?  It sounds like something you would find on a metallic fish!”

I remember back when I had a nine-to-five job.  The company had a good year, and all of the employees were told to expect a bump in pay.  I thought that was nice, but I would prefer a shove, or at the very least a push.

Have you ever had a brush with the law?  I have had a couple of close calls, but that was long ago.  I don’t know if you would call them brushes, more like light combings.  But I have known people who have had not only brushes with the law, but full-blown stylings.

I once had Mono.  You know what Mono is, right?  Do you know why they call it Mono?  That is because when you have Mono, you can only hear out of one ear.

I can see by the panicked look in the Stage Manager’s eyes that my time is up.  See you all on Friday.  And whatever you do, do not try the veal.

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