Category Archives: poetry

The Shark Song

The Shark Song

When you’re a Shark
The world is there for you
You don’t fear the dark
Because the dark fears you

When you’re a Shark
You dislike the Mets
Your bite’s worse than your bark
And you despise the Jets

When you’re a Shark
You look at the world wisely
You’re pants are real dark
And you always dress nicely

When you’re a Shark
You really know how to dance
You avoid Central Park
And you have very tight pants

(snapping fingers, whistling in the background……)

The Sharks are not Bony
The Sharks are not Stiff
The Sharks don’t like Tony
And they really hate Riff

The Sharks they are winning
The Sharks they are grooving
The Sharks they are swimming
Because they have to keep moving

Here Come The Sharks
Like a Fish Out of Water
Someone gets in our way
We get fresh with their daughter

Here Come The Sharks
And we’re covered in soot
Better do what we say
Or we will bite your foot

Here Come The Sharks
And we are all anointed
We are covered in scales
And our teeth are all pointed

And Remember, Swim Tall!!

Thoughts on a Blue Day

Like they say, the world’s a stage
And we realize that more as we age
Nothing lasts forever, that is true
I guess that applies to me and you

My birthday is coming up in June
Just three days after the full moon
My age will once again end in zero
Just like Ray Romano, my hero

We’re all getting older, day by day
And it will always be that way
We start out helpless, with just a few wrinkles
And when we get older it gets hard to tinkle

I won’t tell you just how old I’ll be
It’s a closely guarded secret, you see
But just like my older brother used to say to me
You’ll never be as old as me

That is of course unless I’m wrong
If that’s the case I’ll change my song
And change those words that aren’t true
And say I’ll never be as old as you

But what is age anyway?
It’s just a number, that’s what they say
For all you uncles and aunts and nieces
The number of birthday candles always increases

I know just actually what you’re thinking
I can almost see you winking
You’re wondering just how old I am
And why I’m such a rhyming ham

When I was born we had televisions
And movies that often involved x-ray vision
People often talked about wrong and right
And some of the TV’s were black and white

When I was born there was no MTV
And there were only 3 stations on TV
Rockets had not yet gone to the moon
When I was born that day in June

Now I will give you one last hint
I was born sometime after the Denver Mint
But before Ronald Reagan had Executive Power
And not before Eisenhower

The Bathtub

Happy New Year to Everyone.  I hope it is the best year ever.  Yada Yada Yada.

The Bathtub

On January First of this year
My bathtub was a mess I fear
It had a different kind of reak
That lingered there for that whole week

I made a mental note to clean it
And at the time I sure did mean it
But for a reason that’s unseen
My dirty bathtub stayed unclean

It stayed like that until the Spring
That time of year when birds all sing
Its dirty state went on and on
While I just shopped on Amazon

I’d had enough of it by June
But got distracted by the Moon
And then I watched Star Trek with Sulu
They have all episodes now on Hulu

Each day when I would take my shower
I smelled the mold’s increasing power
And afterwards, when I was dry
I stared at it and wondered why

The tiles both within and out
Had moldy streaks along their grout
The tub itself had lost its shine
I could not believe it was mine

So why did I have a tub that reaks?
And had being doing so for eighty weeks?
The whole thing started making me crazy
Until I realized I was being lazy

And finally, in late December
On a day which I will always remember
I took a scraper to its walls
Because sometimes in life, duty calls

I spent the day cleaning that tub
I listened to Aqualung as I did scrub
I streamed it online, as I remember
Because I’m an Amazon Prime Member

When I was finished I felt a power
And the next day I used a different shower
So why is that? I’ll tell you why
It’s because the caulking wasn’t dry

But now it is and I’m all set
And after I shower, when the tub is wet
I dry it off, from head to hiney
So it will always be clean and shiny

Where is That Episode of Chicago PD?

Like I said up there.  Where is the episode of Chicago PD that I was counting on?  It is Thursday, right?  That means that all of Wednesday night’s TV shows should be online.  But there is no Chicago PD, nor is there a Criminal Minds OR Empire.  Like, what gives?

Has the very fabric of society been torn in half?  It just doesn’t feel right.  What am I supposed to do now, read a book?  It took me 5 months to read the last one!  And it never left my bathroom.

I guess I will try to do something creative on my own.  I know, I will compose some rap for y’all.

microphoneRhyming and Miming
by J-Ice, Ph.D.R (Doctor of Rhyme)

I rhyme all the time
I rhyme in my bed
I got nothing but rhymes
And it hurts my head

When the clock strikes two
I begin my rhyming
And that’s all I do
Until it’s time for miming

When the clock strikes seven
I begin my mime
And I go till eleven
Then it’s back to rhyme

And I stare at the walls
And I walk on the floors
As I roam the halls
And I lock the doors

And I start to rhyming
And the words do flow
I have magnificent timing
From my head to toe

So now you try it
You too can be bold
Maybe the public will buy it
If you’re not too old

Thank you ladies and gentlemen and good night!

Ice Ice Baby

Hello Everyone. I wanted to share a recent plumbing experience I had with you.  No, I didn’t have a plumbing experience with you (we both would have remembered that, wouldn’t we?) Let me re-phrase that.  I want to share, with you, a plumbing experience I recently had.

My shower drain was plugged up, so I did what everyone does.  I poured boiling water down the drain.  That usually does the trick.  But 24 hours later it still wouldn’t drain, even after the whole coat hanger down the drain trick!  In a burst of inspiration, I decided to open and close the drain.  When I did that, I loosened whatever had been almost obliterated by the above-mentioned scalding H2O.  I am pleased to report that I am no longer ankle-deep in water after my mandatory daily shower.

With that, I am releasing my latest rap one week ahead of it’s ITunes Debut, Number 2 last week on the Billboard Top 100.

Hello Players
My Name’s Ice-John
I like to sleep
And I sometimes yawn

My shirt’s too tight
and my pants too long
And it’s been 37 years
Since I’ve Played Ping Pong

Sometimes I’ll Laugh
Sometimes I’ll Cry
Sometimes I’ll eat
Half a Pizza Pie

I don’t eat meat
Cause I love all life
I have big feet
You can ask my wife

I’m younger than the Pope
But older than Matt Damon
I was born the same year
As Everyone Loves Raymond

So now I’ll split
And I’ll end this rap
It’s a sure-fire hit
But it’s time to nap

Dude, You’re Getting Adele

  • This will most likely be my last post of the year.   I hope 2016 brings you all prosperity and happiness.  I mean that, whoever you are.  Even you, Harold.
  • As for me, my laptop has been ignoring me lately.  When I asked her what the problem was, she responded by accusing me of pushing her buttons and rebooting her at times for no reason.  If this keeps up I may have to re-format her disk.
  • Have you seen Adele on the cover of Time Magazine?  What is going on here?  Adele is everywhere!  It’s 2002 all over again, only slightly different.  Now it is “Dude, you’re getting Adele.”
  • And finally:

horace

Acorn TV is OK After All!

  • Last month I wrote about a bad experience I had with Acorn TV.  They had the wrong email address listed for me, and I was being charged for something that was becoming impossible to cancel.  I am happy to report that they did finally cancel my account and gave me a full refund.  So I take back what I said about them.  And they do have many good shows for only $4.99/month.  Just make sure you have the correct email address listed!
  • I finally figurchargersed out why the San Diego Chargers lost so bad last week to the Miami Dolphins:  Antonio Gates was unhinged.
  • I was reading that Pizza Hut may start using unmanned drones to deliver pizzas.  I wonder how much you are supposed to tip an unmanned drone?
  • Have you noticed that many Sci-Fi TV shows these days have supercomputers that have human voices?   I wonder why they always have a British accent?