The Bathtub

Happy New Year to Everyone.  I hope it is the best year ever.  Yada Yada Yada.

The Bathtub

On January First of this year
My bathtub was a mess I fear
It had a different kind of reak
That lingered there for that whole week

I made a mental note to clean it
And at the time I sure did mean it
But for a reason that’s unseen
My dirty bathtub stayed unclean

It stayed like that until the Spring
That time of year when birds all sing
Its dirty state went on and on
While I just shopped on Amazon

I’d had enough of it by June
But got distracted by the Moon
And then I watched Star Trek with Sulu
They have all episodes now on Hulu

Each day when I would take my shower
I smelled the mold’s increasing power
And afterwards, when I was dry
I stared at it and wondered why

The tiles both within and out
Had moldy streaks along their grout
The tub itself had lost its shine
I could not believe it was mine

So why did I have a tub that reaks?
And had being doing so for eighty weeks?
The whole thing started making me crazy
Until I realized I was being lazy

And finally, in late December
On a day which I will always remember
I took a scraper to its walls
Because sometimes in life, duty calls

I spent the day cleaning that tub
I listened to Aqualung as I did scrub
I streamed it online, as I remember
Because I’m an Amazon Prime Member

When I was finished I felt a power
And the next day I used a different shower
So why is that? I’ll tell you why
It’s because the caulking wasn’t dry

But now it is and I’m all set
And after I shower, when the tub is wet
I dry it off, from head to hiney
So it will always be clean and shiny

The Mighty Juggler Vein

Do you know what the Juggler Vein is?  It is located between the dudonym and the Gall Bladder, and somewhere below the brain. In many medical schools in Great Britain, Medical Students have passed down over the years, rhymes that help them pass their exams.  This one is called “The Mighty Juggler Vein.”

The Mighty Juggler Vein

Right next to the Spleen
And way below the brain
It does its job unseen
The Mighty Juggler Vein

So named because it juggles
And distributes the body’s fluids
For Wizards and for Muggles
And even those crazy Druids

 
The Juggler Vein was discovered in 1853 by James P. Juggler, who interestingly enough did not juggle.  He was, however, a Muggle.   He was also known to jiggle on occasion.

Without the Juggler Vein, the human body would not be able to break down its hemogoblin into carbon and oxygen.  Also, the level of anti-gamogobulins in the blood would increase to unhealthy levels.

Without the Juggler Vein’s amazing fluid-juggling abilities, we would all be in real trouble.

Let’s hear it for The Mighty Juggler Vein!

body

 

 

 

Where is That Episode of Chicago PD?

Like I said up there.  Where is the episode of Chicago PD that I was counting on?  It is Thursday, right?  That means that all of Wednesday night’s TV shows should be online.  But there is no Chicago PD, nor is there a Criminal Minds OR Empire.  Like, what gives?

Has the very fabric of society been torn in half?  It just doesn’t feel right.  What am I supposed to do now, read a book?  It took me 5 months to read the last one!  And it never left my bathroom.

I guess I will try to do something creative on my own.  I know, I will compose some rap for y’all.

microphoneRhyming and Miming
by J-Ice, Ph.D.R (Doctor of Rhyme)

I rhyme all the time
I rhyme in my bed
I got nothing but rhymes
And it hurts my head

When the clock strikes two
I begin my rhyming
And that’s all I do
Until it’s time for miming

When the clock strikes seven
I begin my mime
And I go till eleven
Then it’s back to rhyme

And I stare at the walls
And I walk on the floors
As I roam the halls
And I lock the doors

And I start to rhyming
And the words do flow
I have magnificent timing
From my head to toe

So now you try it
You too can be bold
Maybe the public will buy it
If you’re not too old

Thank you ladies and gentlemen and good night!

Ice Ice Baby

Hello Everyone. I wanted to share a recent plumbing experience I had with you.  No, I didn’t have a plumbing experience with you (we both would have remembered that, wouldn’t we?) Let me re-phrase that.  I want to share, with you, a plumbing experience I recently had.

My shower drain was plugged up, so I did what everyone does.  I poured boiling water down the drain.  That usually does the trick.  But 24 hours later it still wouldn’t drain, even after the whole coat hanger down the drain trick!  In a burst of inspiration, I decided to open and close the drain.  When I did that, I loosened whatever had been almost obliterated by the above-mentioned scalding H2O.  I am pleased to report that I am no longer ankle-deep in water after my mandatory daily shower.

With that, I am releasing my latest rap one week ahead of it’s ITunes Debut, Number 2 last week on the Billboard Top 100.

Hello Players
My Name’s Ice-John
I like to sleep
And I sometimes yawn

My shirt’s too tight
and my pants too long
And it’s been 37 years
Since I’ve Played Ping Pong

Sometimes I’ll Laugh
Sometimes I’ll Cry
Sometimes I’ll eat
Half a Pizza Pie

I don’t eat meat
Cause I love all life
I have big feet
You can ask my wife

I’m younger than the Pope
But older than Matt Damon
I was born the same year
As Everyone Loves Raymond

So now I’ll split
And I’ll end this rap
It’s a sure-fire hit
But it’s time to nap

Dude, You’re Getting Adele

  • This will most likely be my last post of the year.   I hope 2016 brings you all prosperity and happiness.  I mean that, whoever you are.  Even you, Harold.
  • As for me, my laptop has been ignoring me lately.  When I asked her what the problem was, she responded by accusing me of pushing her buttons and rebooting her at times for no reason.  If this keeps up I may have to re-format her disk.
  • Have you seen Adele on the cover of Time Magazine?  What is going on here?  Adele is everywhere!  It’s 2002 all over again, only slightly different.  Now it is “Dude, you’re getting Adele.”
  • And finally:

horace