Category Archives: Quality Reading

Nightmare at 20,000 Feet

William Shatner is flying on planea jet
And he is out of work
It’s stormy out and it’s quite wet
But he’s not Captain Kirk

He’s travelling with his trophy wife
Who tells him not to smoke
She’s known him almost all his life
And thinks he’s a splendid bloke

But soon after the plane departs
And there’s nowhere for him to hide
The chaos and the mayhem starts
When William looks outside

He says “There’s a Gremlin on the wing
And he’s pulling on the wires!”
The attendant says “It’s probably nothing.
Maybe you’re just too tired.”

“You’re right” he says while smiling
“I probably need some sleep
My behavior has become beguiling
Frow now on not a peep”

His wife then gives him a sleeping pill
And tells him to close his eyes
Pretty soon we will be in Jacksonville
As fast as this plane flies

She calms him with a gentle touch
As the passengers get nervous
One man who has had too much
Says loudly “I Need Service!”

Then William starts to twitch and panic
And needs to be restrained
His behaviour becomes almost manic
Some might even say insane

He grabs a gun from a sleeping cop
Who onced lived near the Kremlin
And then we hear a very loud pop
As he shoots wildly at the Gremlin

And when the plane limps back to ground
And to the hospital William is headed
Not one passenger makes a sound
Because the plane is completely shredded

 

Pop Goes The Weasel

bill-mumy

When I was just a little boy
I seldom was alone
My life was full of fun and joy
While watching the Twilight Zone

There was a certain episode
About a monster and a rummy
A telikenetic six-year old
That was played by young Bill Mumy

Bill Mumy was just six years old
With a very famous face
He once was up for a Golden Globe
From his work in Lost In Space

So Dan Hollis has a birthday
And he drinks up all the brandy
Just then Billy says “Happy Earth Day
Wouldn’t a trip be just dandy?”

Allow me to give you a present
On this, the day you were born
And please say hello to the pheasant
I’m going to wish you into the corn

And Aunt Amy just sits quiet
She really has no choice
Why should she even try it?
Bill Mumy took her voice

In earlier days she sang
Her voice went on and on
But now she just has hunger pangs
And her once strong voice is gone

Their life is hard, without a doubt
They each have no control
If anyone decides to pout
They’re turned into a troll

Well I digress, that isn’t true
I’ll put it back in the box
But if Bill Mumy doesn’t like you
He can turn you into a Jack-In-The-Box

I know this because I saw it
That is exactly what happened to Dan
Perry Como and booze made him crazy
And now he lives his days in a can

And he’s been living there since that day
With his head at the end of a spring
And his best friend is a lump of clay
And some other inanimate thing

But he still pops up from time to time
And stares right at the easel
While Bill Mumy sings that familiar rhyme
Pop Goes The Weasel

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It’s_a_Good_Life_(The_Twilight_Zone)

I Am Speechless!

  • I have been so stunned by the recent shift in the political landscape that I completely forgot to post anything here.  I know my readers have been wondering what is going on.  How can I put it?  I am speechless.  I am without speech!
  • I was reading that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was asked what he would do if he was kicked out of the new administration’s transition team. He said he would close that bridge when he came to it.
  • I have an upcoming test on bird identification.  I haven’t had time to study so I think I will just have to wing it.

    turkey
    Happy Thanksgiving!  Please join me in celebrating life by not eating our feathered friends.

 

 

 

Ice Ice Baby

Hello Everyone. I wanted to share a recent plumbing experience I had with you.  No, I didn’t have a plumbing experience with you (we both would have remembered that, wouldn’t we?) Let me re-phrase that.  I want to share, with you, a plumbing experience I recently had.

My shower drain was plugged up, so I did what everyone does.  I poured boiling water down the drain.  That usually does the trick.  But 24 hours later it still wouldn’t drain, even after the whole coat hanger down the drain trick!  In a burst of inspiration, I decided to open and close the drain.  When I did that, I loosened whatever had been almost obliterated by the above-mentioned scalding H2O.  I am pleased to report that I am no longer ankle-deep in water after my mandatory daily shower.

With that, I am releasing my latest rap one week ahead of it’s ITunes Debut, Number 2 last week on the Billboard Top 100.

Hello Players
My Name’s Ice-John
I like to sleep
And I sometimes yawn

My shirt’s too tight
and my pants too long
And it’s been 37 years
Since I’ve Played Ping Pong

Sometimes I’ll Laugh
Sometimes I’ll Cry
Sometimes I’ll eat
Half a Pizza Pie

I don’t eat meat
Cause I love all life
I have big feet
You can ask my wife

I’m younger than the Pope
But older than Matt Damon
I was born the same year
As Everyone Loves Raymond

So now I’ll split
And I’ll end this rap
It’s a sure-fire hit
But it’s time to nap

Gluten Free, That’s for Me

produce standWhat kind of cat food do you think Scientologists feed their cats, Friskies or Fancy Feast?  Perhaps Science Diet?

Have you ever wanted to make a transparent background on an image in Paint?  Just click on the following link to be taken to a site which will tell you just how to do that!

http://www.ehow.com/how_5649617_make-image-background-transparent-paint.html

I had an eye appointment earlier this week.  And then, me and the eye had drinks and then went back to its place.  But seriously, folks.  My Eye Doctor has a new process of examining your eyes, and it does not involve dilation.  It does, however, involve an exchange of money.  The pictures of my eyes were so fascinating that I thought I would share one of them with you, my loyal readers.  But I caution anyone who would use this to hack into the eye-scan locks on any of my six wall safes.  The image has been modified slightly, in a section known only by my optometrist (for safety, of course).  It kind of looks like outer space, doesn’t it? Is that my optic nerve, or a distant star?
eyeI have hungry cats to feed now, and lots of football to watch. This is the best time of year for me (and many like me).  It is Christmas every Sunday!

What Exactly is A Red-Light District, Anyway?

poolHere is an excerpt of a conversation I recently heard at the school I am attending:

“Do you know where the swimming pool is?”
“Just follow the group of towel-people over there.”

Did you know that California will soon allow terminally ill patients to end their lives legally?  There are many criteria to meet in order for a person to do this, however.  If a person lived in New York they wouldn’t need any such law.  They could just walk into any bar in Brooklyn or Manhattan and make disparaging remarks about Jerry Vale or Tony Bennett.  They would not be long for this world after that, believe me.

Have you heard about the latest fashion accessory sweeping Hollywood?  It is surgically-implanted belt loops.  People will now be able to wear a belt without the need for pants, thus providing a spot to hold a phone any time, day or night.  Californians are such wacky folks.

lightLastly, I know a guy who is so clueless, he thinks a Red-Light District has something to do with traffic control!