The Bus Ride

The bus careened down the highway with the impatience of a gambler standing at a two-dollar window.  Several of the regular passengers sat talking, as usual, not using their “indoor voices.”  One-Eyed Jimmy was the loudest.  Nobody knew where One-Eyed Jimmy picked up his name.  He had both of his eyes.  He sat next to Rudy, a paunchy middle-aged man who knew everything there is to know but never seemed to have correct change, and was missing one eye.  Why he wasn’t named One-Eyed Rudy nobody knows.  The driver, another paunchy middle-aged man named Carl, looked in the rear-view mirror while he carried on yet another conversation on world politics.

Rudy:    So what’s the deal with this Mubarak guy?  Why is everyone so upset over there?

Jimmy:  I’m not sure.  I heard he was being obstressive with the masses.  That’s what I read, anyhow.

Carl:  They don’t have masses over there.  Where do you think they are, Brooklyn?  And I think you mean “obtrusive.”  That’s what all those world leaders are, obtrusive.

Jimmy:  Yeah, that’s right, obtrusive.  I heard he was caught in a pyramid scheme.

Carl:  That makes sense.  You know, a lot of world leaders throughout history have suffered from dementia.  Just look at that German guy with the mustache.

Rudy:  Do you mean Hitler? 

Carl:  I was trying to avoid saying his name, but since you already did, yes.  I think he suffered from some sort of mania.

Rudy:  Perhaps it was Germanic Depression.

Carl:  That’s quite possible.  Quite possible indeed. 

Rudy:  Say, do you happen to have change for a five dollar bill?  I need 3 ones, 6 quarters, 3 dimes……

Jimmy:  Oh for God’s sake Rudy!!  Again with the change!!

The bus stops and a Latino Man named Carlos boards the bus.  He puts his change in “the thing” and sits in front of One-Eyed Jimmy and Rudy.

Rudy:  I have been having trouble sleeping.

Carlos:  When I have trouble sleeping, I count sheeps.

Rudy:  What kind of sheeps?

Carlos:  Oh, you know.  Rocket sheeps, space sheeps……

Carl:  Hey you guys, do you think Jon Hamm and Kevin Bacon would have trouble ordering at a kosher deli?

Carlos:  I don’t think they would be allowed in a kosher deli.  Not with those names.

Carl:  Those people take that pork thing literally, don’t they?

A man sitting quietly in the back of the bus sits up and looks angry:

Man:  “What do you mean, ‘Those people?”

Carl:  You know, delicatessen owners.

Man:  I know what you meant!  You should be more respectful.  I used to be a scratch golfer!

Carl:  And what are you now?

Man:  A golf scratcher.

Jimmy:  Did you know that I graduated at the top of my class?  Of course, I was wearing stilts at the time.

Carlos:  I graduated first in my class.  But we lined up alphabetically, and my last name is Alvarez.

Jimmy:  Did I ever tell you about my last job interview?  I answered an ad for a warehouse manager, it turns out that it was a typo and the job was actually a whorehouse manager.

Carl:  Those places have managers?

Jimmy:  How should I know?

Man:  You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

All, in unison:  We are!

Jimmy:  Anyway, I finally did get a job as an office helper.  But on my first day there I hit on the secretary and got fired for it.

Carl:  Tried to get laid, ended up getting laid off?

Jimmy:  Exactly.

Rudy:  I once knew a woman so skinny, even her bone marrow was narrow.

Jimmy:  When this day finally ends, I think I am going to buy myself a bottle of rye whiskey.

Rudy:  And then what are you going to do?  Have a rye toast?

Jimmy:  How did you know?

Rudy:  I have been reading these “scripts” for a while now.

Carlos:  Did I ever tell you about my old job?  I used to drive a stretch limo.

Jimmy:  What happened?  Did you get fired?

Carlos:  No, I had to resign because I was getting stretch marks.

Jimmy:  My brother told me that his bride-to-be is hinting that she might not want to go through with the wedding.

Rudy:  It sounds like a veiled threat.

Jimmy:  No, I think she means it.

Carl:  Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was in the state-wide spelling bee?  I had an upset stomach for two weeks before the spelling bee and didn’t have time to study.

Jimmy:  I take it you didn’t win?

Carl:  No, I lost on the word “Diarrhea.”

Rudy:  I lost on the word “Ophthalmologist.”

Carl:  Are you sure that is how you spell it?

Rudy:  I am now.  Look it up.  I couldn’t believe it either.  Who puts an “h” between a “p” and a “t?”

Carl:  Apparently, Ophthalmologists!

Jimmy:  OK Carl, this is my stop.

Carl:  Ring the bell.  I can’t stop unless you ring the bell.

Jimmy:  Are you serious?

Carl:  Yes, I am serious.

Jimmy:  You are psychotic.  No, wait, you are pathetic.  You are both – you are psychopathetic!

Jimmy rings the bell, the bus comes to a stop, and he makes his way to the exit.

Carl:  See you tomorrow Jimmy. 

Jim:  OK Carl.  See you tomorrow.  I am going to go home and watch The Mentalist now.  And don’t forget correct change tomorrow, Rudy.

Rudy:  I won’t.

Carl:  Yes, you will.

The bus takes off down the road, everyone looks out the window and wonders if “The Mentalist” will be any good that night.

Another Day at the Office

Jim started the day like any other. He awoke with a start, followed by an abrupt stop. He shaved and got dressed, but not in that order.

He arrived at work, late as usual. He sat down at his desk and took a gulp of coffee. The cup displayed a picture of a woman sitting in the middle of a watermelon field. The words “Nice Melons” sat under the picture.

One of his co-workers sat down in the chair next to his and placed a forlorn-looking plant on his desk. Jim opened his mouth and commented, “That plant is forlorn”

His co-worker stared back blankly and replied, “No it isn’t. It is for me.  And who the heck is Lorne?  Do you mean Lorne Greene?  I thought he died!”

They both looked up as the boss made his way around the office, searching for someone to intimidate. He didn’t have to look far. He set his sights on Jim. He always set his sights on Jim.

“What are you working on today?” the boss asked.

Jim answered him after a brief stare-down. “I was planning on transferring my red files into accordion-style folders, and vice versa. After that I was thinking about hiding in the bathroom until lunch.”

“Sounds like a plan” the boss replied. He then walked towards his office.

His co-worker turned to Jim and said “Can I offer you some advice?”

“I wish you wouldn’t”

The phone rang and Jim picked it up. A voice on the other end said “Jim, it’s your wife.”

“But I’m not married,” he replied.

“It’s your mother.”

“But I am an orphan.”

“It’s me, you idiot!” He looked across the office and saw a woman waving excitedly at him. It was Sheila. Sheila’s family owned a watermelon farm and she was working part-time to “make ends meet.”

“Hey Sheila. What’s up?” He knew immediately that was the wrong question.

“Did you see that movie last night about the creature who had gills and was swimming in the New York sewer system?”

“No, I missed it.”

“It was amazing. It made me realize something. I think I would like to also have gills. I would like to have gills and be able to breath underwater. I wouldn’t go in any sewers though. I would be a freshwater gill-woman.”

“I have always wanted to have gills too. But all I have is scales.”

“Jim, when are you going to buy some new clothes?”

“What do you mean?”

“Some of your clothes look like they could be eligible for Historical Landmark Status.”

“You say that like it is a bad thing.”

“By the way, did I tell you about my vacation? I thought I was going to a deserted island with my fiancé, but it turned out to be a nudist resort. I thought he said the island was uninhabited, but it turns out he meant uninhibited.”

“So you’re getting married, huh? What do you see in that guy, anyway?”

“He is funny, he is caring, and he has most of his teeth. He cleans the lint filter regularly and flosses regularly. And he flosses everything, not just his teeth. The only problem is that he has anemia.”

“That’s too bad. Hopefully he will regain his memory soon.”

“No, Jim, that isn’t what anemia is.”

“Then what is it? Is that what you use when you, you know, have trouble going?”

Sheila breathed impatiently into the phone. “Can we please change the subject?”

“Hey, you brought it up.” Jim shot back.

“OK, well let’s see. We have already covered gill creatures, flossing, and anemia. I can’t think of any other subjects. Oh, I have one. Have you seen any movies lately?”

“Last night I saw The Pelican Briefs.”

“What’s that, a story about underwear for fish?”

“That’s right. It is a story about underwear for fish. And it stars Matt Damon.”

“Everything stars Matt Damon.”

Not true. He was not in “The Last Airbender.”

“The Last Airbender? That sounds like something my Dad would do after Thanksgiving Dinner.”

“What about Inception?  That didn’t have Matt Damon. That was Leonardo DiCaprio.”

“Matt Damon and Leonardo Di Caprio are one and the same. Have you ever seen them together?”

“Come to think of it, no. I think you might be right!”

“Well, I have to go. It’s time for lunch.”

‘What are you having?”

“Melons!”

The Situation Room

In a secret room deep in the bowels of the White House, the Defense Secretary confers with the President.  The Vice-President sits quietly in a corner humming to himself.  They discuss the state of the world, the football playoffs, and upcoming budget cuts.

President:  Did I ever tell you the story about when I was a kid and Slim Domino came to our town?

Vice-President:  Don’t you mean Fats Domino?

President: This was before he put on all of that weight.

Defense Secretary: Mr. President, I am afraid I have bad news.

President: When do you not?

Defense Secretary: I am sorry sir, but there are more budget cuts on the way.

President: What a surprise!  What is going to change?

Defense Secretary: For starters, we no longer have enough money to do the 21-gun salute.

President: And what do you plan on doing instead?

Defense Secretary: We have many ideas in place, one of which is we get 14 guys to stand in a circle and do the wave.  On your order, sir.

President: I see. Any other cuts?

Defense Secretary: The March of Dimes is taking a cut, and will now be known as the “Stroll of Nickels.”

Vice-President: Did I ever tell you about the summer that I broke my nose in three places?

Defense Secretary:  Where did this happen?

Vice-President: Let’s see, I believe the first time was in Las Vegas, the second time was in Oval Office, and the third time was in my living room.

President:  You were in the Oval Office?  Was I informed?  And if so how did I look?

Defense Secretary:   I ran into Sargent Shriver the other day.

Vice-President: He isn’t an officer yet?

Defense Secretary: No, not yet.  We played basketball.

Vice-President: Did you win?

Defense Secretary:  No, he cleaned my clock.  Not only did he clean my clock, but he also set the time back one hour.

President: This morning I used one of those magnifying mirrors on my face.  I will never do that again.

Vice-President: Why not?

President: Because my face looked like some sort of alien world, with all sorts of weird little creatures living on it.

Defense Secretary:  Sounds like my first wife.

 The Vice President picks up the phone and calls home.  His granddaughter answers the phone. 

Vice-President: How are you doing?

Granddaughter: Not so good.

Vice-President: What is wrong?

Granddaughter: My Daddy is drinking Scotch and watching Patton on DVD.  Again!

Vice-President: Get out of the house, now!

The Vice President hangs up the phone.

Defense Secretary: Have you ever been abroad, Mr. President?

President: No, I have been a man my whole life.

Defense Secretary: I saw a Wang Chung concert over the weekend.

President: How was it?

Defense Secretary: It was ok.  I think I liked Chung better when he was without Wang.

President: I hear you.  That reminds me, I want you both to come to my home for Christmas.  And I won’t take no for an answer.  That is final.

Vice-President: You know what you are?

President: What?

Vice-President: You are a social rapist.  You force people to go into social situations they don’t want to be in.

President: Well, I am the President.

Defense Secretary: I went on Match.com last week.  I picked a woman that I thought was 39 years old and 5’7”.  It turns out that she filled out the form wrong.  She is actually 57 years old and 3’9”.

President: That is brutal.  Are you going to see her again?

Defense Secretary: Yes, I am bringing her to your Christmas party.

President:  How is the wife, Mr. VP?

Vice-President: She is fine.  Did you know that she has become a Minist?

President: What is a Minist?

Vice-President: A Minist is a Minimalist who has minimalized everything, including her title.

Defense Secretary: Did I tell you that my son just got accepted to Penn State?

President:  You have a kid?

Defense Secretary: Yes, and soon he will be playing for the Fighting Amish.

President:  The Fighting Amish?

Defense Secretary:  Is there an echo in here?

President: Did I ever tell you the story about the frog and the scorpion?

Vice-President: Oh no, not again…..

President: You see, there was this scorpion, and he tells this frog to take him to the other side of the river and promises not to bite him….

Vice-President: And when they get to the other side he bites him, right?

President:  So you’ve heard this one already?

Vice-President: You tell me that story three times a week!  Enough with the animal analogies!  Blow something up already!

Defense Secretary: Did I tell you I am going to be ghost-writing a book?

President:  I don’t think I will be reading it.

Defense Secretary: Why not?

President:  I am afraid of ghosts!

Vice-President: Have you noticed how the Secretary of Agriculture has a hook nose?

Defense Secretary: A lot of people have a hook nose.

Vice-President: Yeah, but his hooks to the right!

Defense Secretary: I thought a slice was to the right, and a hook was to the left.

Vice-President: That depends on if you are right handed or not.

President: You know, when I was a kid I wanted to be so many things.  A prison warden, a coal miner, a medical test subject.  I never dreamed I would make it this far.

Defense Secretary: We are all very proud of you sir.

President: Did I ever tell you the story about the Frog and the Scorpion?  There was this frog, and he wanted to get across a stream.  No wait, that’s wrong.  There was this Scorpion, and he knew this frog……

Vice-President: I have to go.  I heard that Patton is on TV tonight….