Category Archives: songs

Where is That Episode of Chicago PD?

Amazing, Humor, poetry, songs, , ,

Like I said up there.  Where is the episode of Chicago PD that I was counting on?  It is Thursday, right?  That means that all of Wednesday night’s TV shows should be online.  But there is no Chicago PD, nor is there a Criminal Minds OR Empire.  Like, what gives?

Has the very fabric of society been torn in half?  It just doesn’t feel right.  What am I supposed to do now, read a book?  It took me 5 months to read the last one!  And it never left my bathroom.

I guess I will try to do something creative on my own.  I know, I will compose some rap for y’all.

microphoneRhyming and Miming
by J-Ice, Ph.D.R (Doctor of Rhyme)

I rhyme all the time
I rhyme in my bed
I got nothing but rhymes
And it hurts my head

When the clock strikes two
I begin my rhyming
And that’s all I do
Until it’s time for miming

When the clock strikes seven
I begin my mime
And I go till eleven
Then it’s back to rhyme

And I stare at the walls
And I walk on the floors
As I roam the halls
And I lock the doors

And I start to rhyming
And the words do flow
I have magnificent timing
From my head to toe

So now you try it
You too can be bold
Maybe the public will buy it
If you’re not too old

Thank you ladies and gentlemen and good night!

Today I Realized I am a Rap Master

Amazing, Downright Hysterical, Humor, Real Life Crime Stories, songs,

I just finished watching the first episode of the new Netflix Series “The Get Down” at https://www.netflix.com/title/80025601.  It is a story about the beginnings of hip-hop in New York in 1977.

It wasn’t quite as good as Empire on Fox TV.  Hakim is one of the characters on the show, played by an amazing rapper named Yazz, or Yazz The Greatest.  My extensive rap experience tells me that he is going to be huge.  He already has over a million Twitter followers, so I guess he already is huge.

It got me to thinking.  How would I react if given the microphone at one of these so called “Hip Hop” events?  Would I have the right stuff?  Would I be able to berate my rap-opponent at a level sufficient to keep the crowd from beating me to a pulp?

I can almost picture it.  The crowd parts as I make my way to the Rapping Area.  I take the mike, and begin my rap, all the while staring at my opponent with steely nerve.

The clothes you wear
Are from a Sci-Fi Show
And you grow body hair
Where it shouldn’t grow

I’ve seen better faces
on boxes of soap
Your teeth need constant flossing
And you have to use rope

You are bumpy where you shouldn’t be
And wrinkly where you should
You show people what they shouldn’t see
And that ain’t never good

You have the heartbreak of psoriasis
From your toe to your head
On Tuesdays you have dialysis
And then go back to bed

When your mama looks at you
She feels like fainting
Your high school photo
Was a Picasso Painting

You Will Never Believe Who Abducted Me!

Downright Hysterical, Humor, Real Life Crime Stories, Short Stories, songs,

What happened to me last week had nothing whatsoever to do with my writings on this site.  I know, I was also completely surprised upon learning this.  I had offended no religious groups.  I did, however, manage to chap the hides of the local Cattleman’s Association.  I overheard them last night (they thought I was passed out) arguing about whether or not they should be called Cattleman’s Association or Cattlemen’s Association.  They must have seen one of my recent letters to the editor in the local paper commenting on the state of our local cattle industry.  I drive by those cows every day, I feel as if I know every one of them.

calf2What can I say?  I love cows!  Or is it “I love cattle?”

The Happiest Three Hours of My Life

Downright Hysterical, Humor, Short Stories, songs, ,

San_Diego_Chargers_Helmet3For those of you who do not know me personally, I am a Hardcore San Diego Charger fan.  Their first playoff game in 2014 was with the Cincinnati Bengals.  They surprised everyone (including me!) by winning.   This game would turn out to be their final victory of the year.

My wife had to work during the game.  We did, however, text back and forth as the game progressed.  What follows is a word-for-word dictation of that correspondence:

And away we go!  Let’s go Chargers!!

After these commercials….

Dan Fouts sang the Chargers song online before the game.

I hope that is available later on.

First Down!  Yeah Bolts!!

What was that?

I don’t know, but I don’t like it.

Now the defense will have to step up.

Our punter is the best player on the field.

I agree.

Some points would be really good now.  For us, not them.

What’s with all of these commercials?  And all the meat?  I hate meat!

Me too! How can these people eat meat?  Don’t they know it was once a living creature?

People suck.

I’ll say.

These commercials are almost as annoying as these officials.  What did the Bengals do, threaten their families?

They probably forced them to eat meat.

Turnover!  Yes!  Now we need to capitalize on the mistakes of our adversary.

A 40 yard run?  Are you kidding me?  Who was that guy?

I have no idea.

Yippee!!!

It sure got quiet in the Bengals stadium.

It was as if there were wild animals loose on the field.

There were, and they had Chargers uniforms on!

Did you see that quarterback hit the dirt?  They just can’t handle the magnificence of the Charger defense.

They said that the last time they played each other, the Chargers didn’t even get in the red zone once.

That is hardly the case at this particular moment, isn’t it?

I agree wholeheartedly, Ollie.

We are controlling the red zone with the audacity of a Third World Dictator!!

What?

Never mind.  I just got excited.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

What was that?

I think we fumbled it.

It sure looks like it.

Why are the Bengals players all pointing in one direction, and the Chargers are pointing in the opposite direction?

It appears to be a difference of opinion.

WE RECOVER THE FUMBLE!!! WE RECOVER THE FUMBLE!!!

Get your red-hot fumbles, over here.  We’re giving ’em away….!

CRAP!

That’s OK.  Our defense will take care of biz-ness.

JUST GIVE US THE BALL!!

We need to send the Chargers some magic.

Magico es fuerte y claro.

How did he catch that ball?

Again, I do not know and I do not like it.  Not one bit.

We need a turnover.

Get your red hot turnovers, buy two, get a first down free!!

What is it about Boomer’s voice that makes me want to buy noise-cancelling headphones?

I think it is the timber.

Do you mean timbre?

Yeah, that.

At least Boomer isn’t online, thank God!

Catch the ball, you bum!

Hey, calm down.  It is only a game.

It isn’t only a game.  It is my life!

That was huge!

The hughiest ever.

What?

These refs really have to start calling those holding violations.  This isn’t the WWF.

What is the WWF?

The World Wrassling Fraternity.

10-7 at the half is no problem.  I need a shower.

See you after the half.

I just turned on the TV, and we are up 17-10!

Did you ask for a turnover?  How about another one?

O – M – G!!!

This is the best game ever!

I am so happy.

I have never been this happy.

AUTOMATIC FIRST DOWN!  TAKE THAT, SUCKERS!!!

I want more points! Give me more points!!

Did you say more points?

Holy ______!!!!

We should go for it on this fourth down.

He got Buttled.

ANOTHER TURNOVER!!!

Do I need to say it?

Yes.

Get your turnovers, right here!  Red hot turnovers!!  We are giving them away, or forcing them on you if you resist!!

They were supposed to get a first down.  Maybe if I start vacuuming they will play better.

Then you better get vacuuming.

Oh yeah!  Another incompletion!  Were you aiming for the dirt?  I should have started vacuuming way before the half.

And the Chargers take over on downs, up by 2 scores with five minutes to play!

Can you say “AWESOME?”

I can do better than that!  I can say, “Bring on Denver!”

One more turnover would be nice.

I will see what I can do.  This Bengal voodoo doll has so many pins on it, there isn’t much room.

Woo-Hoo!  Good job, little voodoo doll!

We get the ball back!

I am so happy.

I am so very happy.  I hope I never lose this feeling.

You should vacuum next week during the Broncos game.  It really seemed to do the trick.

I agree.

I guess I will put on some coffee now.

OK, see you soon……

Technology Blues in A Minor

Humor, poetry, Short Stories, songs, ,

I don’t have many Facebook friends
But that don’t make me bitter
I’m not quite sure what Linkedin is
And I’m confused by Twitter

I’ve sent out many friend requests
But they all get ignored
I tweet about most anything
It helps me when I’m bored

My Netflix cue is always full
It only costs ten bucks
The disks are often watchable
Although the streaming sucks

I tried to post a Youtube link
And tweeted about it
I’m not quite sure just what to think
And might just throw a fit!