Nightmare at 20,000 Feet

William Shatner is flying on planea jet
And he is out of work
It’s stormy out and it’s quite wet
But he’s not Captain Kirk

He’s travelling with his trophy wife
Who tells him not to smoke
She’s known him almost all his life
And thinks he’s a splendid bloke

But soon after the plane departs
And there’s nowhere for him to hide
The chaos and the mayhem starts
When William looks outside

He says “There’s a Gremlin on the wing
And he’s pulling on the wires!”
The attendant says “It’s probably nothing.
Maybe you’re just too tired.”

“You’re right” he says while smiling
“I probably need some sleep
My behavior has become beguiling
Frow now on not a peep”

His wife then gives him a sleeping pill
And tells him to close his eyes
Pretty soon we will be in Jacksonville
As fast as this plane flies

She calms him with a gentle touch
As the passengers get nervous
One man who has had too much
Says loudly “I Need Service!”

Then William starts to twitch and panic
And needs to be restrained
His behaviour becomes almost manic
Some might even say insane

He grabs a gun from a sleeping cop
Who onced lived near the Kremlin
And then we hear a very loud pop
As he shoots wildly at the Gremlin

And when the plane limps back to ground
And to the hospital William is headed
Not one passenger makes a sound
Because the plane is completely shredded

 

Pop Goes The Weasel

bill-mumy

When I was just a little boy
I seldom was alone
My life was full of fun and joy
While watching the Twilight Zone

There was a certain episode
About a monster and a rummy
A telikenetic six-year old
That was played by young Bill Mumy

Bill Mumy was just six years old
With a very famous face
He once was up for a Golden Globe
From his work in Lost In Space

So Dan Hollis has a birthday
And he drinks up all the brandy
Just then Billy says “Happy Earth Day
Wouldn’t a trip be just dandy?”

Allow me to give you a present
On this, the day you were born
And please say hello to the pheasant
I’m going to wish you into the corn

And Aunt Amy just sits quiet
She really has no choice
Why should she even try it?
Bill Mumy took her voice

In earlier days she sang
Her voice went on and on
But now she just has hunger pangs
And her once strong voice is gone

Their life is hard, without a doubt
They each have no control
If anyone decides to pout
They’re turned into a troll

Well I digress, that isn’t true
I’ll put it back in the box
But if Bill Mumy doesn’t like you
He can turn you into a Jack-In-The-Box

I know this because I saw it
That is exactly what happened to Dan
Perry Como and booze made him crazy
And now he lives his days in a can

And he’s been living there since that day
With his head at the end of a spring
And his best friend is a lump of clay
And some other inanimate thing

But he still pops up from time to time
And stares right at the easel
While Bill Mumy sings that familiar rhyme
Pop Goes The Weasel

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It’s_a_Good_Life_(The_Twilight_Zone)

The Mighty Juggler Vein

Do you know what the Juggler Vein is?  It is located between the dudonym and the Gall Bladder, and somewhere below the brain. In many medical schools in Great Britain, Medical Students have passed down over the years, rhymes that help them pass their exams.  This one is called “The Mighty Juggler Vein.”

The Mighty Juggler Vein

Right next to the Spleen
And way below the brain
It does its job unseen
The Mighty Juggler Vein

So named because it juggles
And distributes the body’s fluids
For Wizards and for Muggles
And even those crazy Druids

 
The Juggler Vein was discovered in 1853 by James P. Juggler, who interestingly enough did not juggle.  He was, however, a Muggle.   He was also known to jiggle on occasion.

Without the Juggler Vein, the human body would not be able to break down its hemogoblin into carbon and oxygen.  Also, the level of anti-gamogobulins in the blood would increase to unhealthy levels.

Without the Juggler Vein’s amazing fluid-juggling abilities, we would all be in real trouble.

Let’s hear it for The Mighty Juggler Vein!

body

 

 

 

Today I Realized I am a Rap Master

I just finished watching the first episode of the new Netflix Series “The Get Down” at https://www.netflix.com/title/80025601.  It is a story about the beginnings of hip-hop in New York in 1977.

It wasn’t quite as good as Empire on Fox TV.  Hakim is one of the characters on the show, played by an amazing rapper named Yazz, or Yazz The Greatest.  My extensive rap experience tells me that he is going to be huge.  He already has over a million Twitter followers, so I guess he already is huge.

It got me to thinking.  How would I react if given the microphone at one of these so called “Hip Hop” events?  Would I have the right stuff?  Would I be able to berate my rap-opponent at a level sufficient to keep the crowd from beating me to a pulp?

I can almost picture it.  The crowd parts as I make my way to the Rapping Area.  I take the mike, and begin my rap, all the while staring at my opponent with steely nerve.

The clothes you wear
Are from a Sci-Fi Show
And you grow body hair
Where it shouldn’t grow

I’ve seen better faces
on boxes of soap
Your teeth need constant flossing
And you have to use rope

You are bumpy where you shouldn’t be
And wrinkly where you should
You show people what they shouldn’t see
And that ain’t never good

You have the heartbreak of psoriasis
From your toe to your head
On Tuesdays you have dialysis
And then go back to bed

When your mama looks at you
She feels like fainting
Your high school photo
Was a Picasso Painting

This Week’s Winner: Big Jim Rennie

Come Back Here, Junior!
              Come Back Here, Junior!

This week’s TV-Hero Award goes to Big Jim Rennie in CBS’s Under The Dome.  Big Jim continues to impress critics and naysayers alike.

In last week’s episode, Big Jim rescued the entire town from the Cave-Pods. After that he “took care” of the evil scientist who was experimenting on The Egg (the source of the dome’s power, of course).  And during that time he took in a hungry, lonely stray dog.  He gave him food and water, and named him Dog.

Congratulations on your award, Big Jim!

Two Moments That Changed The Course Of History

Two Moments That Changed the Course of History:

jimmy

October 15, 1919:  Jimmy Hoffa organizes a strike with his kindergarten classmates.  Lower milk prices and longer snack breaks are but two of their demands. The School capitulates after eight long days.  The rest is history.

lyndon_finalSeptember 23, 1926:  Future U.S. President Lyndon Johnson wins his Senior Class President election by giving the school election officials what he called “carrot and stick offers.”  Rumors circulated later on that before the election he employed under-handed tactics, including the use of bribery and veiled threats.  Even then, his overuse of the phrase “Now can I count on you to back me up?” was evident.

You Will Never Believe Who Abducted Me!

What happened to me last week had nothing whatsoever to do with my writings on this site.  I know, I was also completely surprised upon learning this.  I had offended no religious groups.  I did, however, manage to chap the hides of the local Cattleman’s Association.  I overheard them last night (they thought I was passed out) arguing about whether or not they should be called Cattleman’s Association or Cattlemen’s Association.  They must have seen one of my recent letters to the editor in the local paper commenting on the state of our local cattle industry.  I drive by those cows every day, I feel as if I know every one of them.

calf2What can I say?  I love cows!  Or is it “I love cattle?”