Today’s Comedy Routine

"I don't get no respect!"

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.  Thanks for coming down to see the show.  My name is John G.  I am on Tuesdays and Fridays from six to eight. 

My neighbor introduced me to his new wife recently.  He told me that she is one of those trophy wifes.  That might be right, but only for “Honorable Mention.”

So many people in the U.S. are filing for bankruptcy that the Number One Bestseller on the New York Times Non-Fiction list is Nolo Press’s “How to File for Chapter Seven Bankruptcy.”  I should know.  I just bought a copy.

I recently had dinner at a local restaurant.  The special for the evening was sausage and pepperoni pizza.  I told the waitress to give me the special with pepperoni but to hold the sausage.  And then for some reason she slapped me.  I still don’t know why.

I know an elderly man who has a saying:  “Always shoot from the hip.”  I am not sure what that means.  I ran into him the other day and asked him if he still “shoots from the hip.”  He said, no he doesn’t do that anymore because he broke it.  I tried shooting from the hip once.  If you have ever seen me in a bathing suit you would know how hard that is.  I have no hips.  Not only that, but my waste hasn’t been seen since 2006.  I’m not sure what’s going on down there anymore. 

Do you know how people always say that you sometimes need to take a leap of faith?  I tried it once and sprained my ankle.    All right, I admit it.  I didn’t make that up.  But it bears repeating.

Some people say I wreak havoc.  Others say I just reak.

Speaking of music, I was discussing chromatic scales recently with some friends, and somebody asked “What is a chromatic scale?  It sounds like something you would find on a metallic fish!”

I remember back when I had a nine-to-five job.  The company had a good year, and all of the employees were told to expect a bump in pay.  I thought that was nice, but I would prefer a shove, or at the very least a push.

Have you ever had a brush with the law?  I have had a couple of close calls, but that was long ago.  I don’t know if you would call them brushes, more like light combings.  But I have known people who have had not only brushes with the law, but full-blown stylings.

I once had Mono.  You know what Mono is, right?  Do you know why they call it Mono?  That is because when you have Mono, you can only hear out of one ear.

I can see by the panicked look in the Stage Manager’s eyes that my time is up.  See you all on Friday.  And whatever you do, do not try the veal.

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